“For two people in a marriage to live together day after day isunquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.” –Bill Cosby
Every marriage is different.
But most spouses have the same wants:
- Wives want to feel appreciated
- Wives want to feel respected
- Wives want to feel loved
If your wife left you, then you’re devastated.
You can take steps to get your wife back though. Taking a hard look atyourself and your marriage is the first step.
Identify the Problems in Your Marriage or Relationship
Considerwho ran the marriage. Was your marriage open to joint communication andinput or were you controlling?
Decide whether you were both happy with the decision making in yourmarriage.
If you had to identify one or two qualities about yourself that your wifedisliked, what would they be?
Did your wife ever complain specifically about the marriage or you? Ifso, identify her complaints.
Assess Whether or Not You’re Willing to Make Changes
Decide if you want your wife back badly enough to make changes that willmake her happy.
Would you be willing to go to counseling so that you can become the typeof person she wants?
Can you make changes and still be comfortable with yourself?
If so, correct the problems that drove your wife away:
- If you cheated, get rid of the other woman and try celibacy whileyou work on getting back your wife,
- If you had financial problems, work on paying off your debts andbecoming employed or getting a higher paying job.
- If you drifted apart, become a better communicator and do your bestto reconnect socially with your wife.
Identify the Qualities that Made Your Wife Marry You
What are your best attributes? You were able to turn on the charm and getyour wife to marry you once. You may be able to do it again, given theopportunity.
Maximize your assets and stay positive. Decide whether you continued tohave those traits during your marriage. Sometimes it is easy to take amarriage for granted and not have time to woo the wife the way you did whenyou were single.
Stay in Your Wife’s Life
It is harder to win back the affection of someone you never see. If youhave children, they will provide the means for you to stay in touch withyour wife, particularly if you share joint custody and see them just asfrequently.
If you do not have children, find a reason to stay in close contact withyour wife. Move nearby and use common interests to stay in touch. Frequentplaces where you are likely to see her and be open and friendly when you do.
Be helpful to your wife. Try to see your wife on a platonic basis and becharming, but not pushy. Help her remember why she loved you in the firstplace in a non-threatening manner. Don’t push sex because she may not trustyou or be ready.
Show her, rather than tell her that you love her, but do not makeyourself too accessible. Most people like a challenge, so be availableenough so that she knows what she is missing, but not so available that sheloses interest.
Be responsible and keep up with any financial or child-relatedresponsibilities to your wife. Make sure that your good qualities shine andthat she turns to you for problems.
Your friends can help you find a way to your wife’s heart. If your wifeis close-mouthed about her life without you, your common friends may be morethan willing to share what they know. If they think the two of you belongtogether, they may do what they can to help or will build you up to yourwife.
Use your friends as a buffer to get your wife to join you in group socialevents when you are first trying to reconnect with her. Your friends mayorganize gatherings and include both of you at the function.
Most children want their parents to reconnect and your children are inthe best position to create opportunities for you and your wife to interact.Don’t be afraid to call your wife about parenting issues either. You want tobe on the same page when it comes to giving permission and disciplining yourchildren.
In some situations, your in-laws may even be willing to help you get yourwife back. If they still keep in touch with you, they probably will do allthey can to help save their daughter’s marriage, especially if they know youare sincere and willing to do whatever it takes.
Communicate Openly and Accept What She Is Willing to Give
Keep the lines of communication open even if things do not progress asfast as you want. Let your wife know when you’ve completed an action thatmay have improved a complaint she had during marriage. For example, if moneywas tight and you have a new job making more money let her know about it.
Try to casually date your wife if she seems to talk to you openly andrely on you. Take an interest in what your wife enjoys and encourage her toshare your interests as well.
As your relationship improves, suggest trying to reconnect and tell yourwife what steps you have taken to help improve your relationship. Inviteyour wife to join you in counseling. Indicate your interest, but do not rushyour wife.
Be willing to accept a temporary move back living arrangement if thatmakes your wife more comfortable. It will be your job to make sure itbecomes permanent.
After You’ve Won Her Back
Once your wife is back, remember to show your appreciation:
- Compliment her once in a while.
- Thank her for small everyday things she does for you.
- Surprise her occasionally. You needn’t spend a lot of money as longas she knows you are thinking of her. A text message that says “I loveyou” can brighten her day or a freshly made cup of coffee before work.
- Let her know why she is special to you.